Birder, She Wrote

Peer pressure isn’t just for teenagers anymore. There are nefarious middle-aged gangs trying to suck us into their sinister activities.

The first ones that got me were the pickleballers.

Suddenly, I was spending six hours a day hitting a plastic ball over a net, while sporting a “Baby Got Backhand” t-shirt. 

Fortunately, thanks to a solid case of tendinitis, I escaped.

The next menacing thugs I encountered were neighborhood moms, who invited me to go “rucking,” which involves walking at an olympic pace while wearing a 50-pound backpack.

It’s like the Marines, except these mother-ruckers will leave you behind.

However, the seediest bunch of all turned out to be…

The Birders!

Sure, it starts innocently, a tweet here, a chirp there, hey, birdie, birdie! 

But after my friends, Elaine and Jess, installed Merlin ID, which allowed them to identify and record birds, they went a little cuckoo. 

At Elaine’s house last month, I announced that havarti cheese was on sale at Grocery Outlet, and Jess shushed me.

Excuse me, what’s more important than high-end cheese at low-low prices?

Apparently, the melodic chirp of the Purple Finch.

Elaine’s cheeks flushed, reminding me of the way she once used to salivate over that sexy Sigma Pi.

Forty years later, she’s fawning over a 4-inch finch. 

“Look at his bold face patterns and raspberry coloring…gorgeous!” 

We were all quiet for a moment.

“Anyway, it’s on sale for $2.99,” I said.

The next time we met, I immediately took over the conversation, “How about that housing market?” 

“Speaking of houses,” Jess said. “Have you seen my Solar Bird Buddy House with Camera & Perch Extender?” 

“You do know birds build their own houses,” I said. 

They had already moved on to bird seed. “They’re loving the Cardinal Delight,” Elaine gushed.

You house and feed them?

How lazy were these birds?

But in the end, I discovered it wasn’t just about the birds, it was about who could identify the most birds. 

Jess is leading Elaine, 193-187.

However, after spotting a trifecta of woodpeckers, Elaine is gaining ground.

Jess huffed. “We were on the same walk. How did you see the Red-Bellied Woodpecker, and I didn’t?” 

And that’s when things got heated, as they often do, when discussing woodpeckers.

Since the only woodpecker I knew was Woody, I kept my beak shut.

It’s been months now, and I’m proud to say that I never got sucked into their fowl world.

I mean, sure they convinced me to go to Costa Rica with them, but I’m just here to explore the rainforest, and if I happen to record the sweet song of the Clay-colored Thrush, it certainly doesn’t mean I’m a birder.