Steve and I went kayaking last year.
For those of you considering kayaking with your spouse, let me just say…
Don’t do it!
(Like a Nike ad, but the opposite)
In fact, why don’t I just save you the trouble and paint you a picture of how your day will go.
The arguing will begin three seconds after you get in the boat because you will both assume you are the captain.
Obviously, the captain is the one who is the first to say, “I Am Your Captain Now!”
That’s just maritime law.
Some people (Steve) won’t follow these rules and will try to convince you the captain is the person seated in the back of the kayak.
You’ll debate ship protocol before finally agreeing that nobody gets to be captain.
Then you’ll make up snarky names for each other like, Captain Corrector, Captain Obvious, Captain McKnowItAll.
While you’re insulting each other, there will be a big splash in the water, and nearby kayakers will holler, “WHALE!”
Seeing humpback whales was the whole reason you decided to kayak, and now you’ve missed it.
Allow 10 minutes to argue over whose fault that was.
Also, you’ve been drifting aimlessly so you better use those oars.
Left, right, left, right…
Marital bliss is restored as you paddle in sync.
“Good job!”
“You too!”
Aw, love on the high seas!
But the current is pulling you to the right so…
Left, left, left.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m straightening us out because the current is taking us out THAT way.”
“No, the current is going THAT way.”
“It was going THAT way, but it changed.”
“Currents don’t change that quickly.”
This will be followed by an in-depth lesson on currents and you’ll think to yourself, I didn’t know I married Bill Nye, the Science Guy.
Meanwhile, there’s an even bigger splash in the water, followed by squeals of joy. “DID YOU SEE THAT TAIL?!”
No, you did not because you were busy learning about the earth’s gravitational pull.
Back to rowing…
Left, right, left, right…
Other kayakers glide by, smiling.
(They’re obviously not married.)
“See how they’re in sync because she’s listening to him?”
“See how he’s not bossing her around?”
Both of you will then simultaneously daydream about the other falling overboard and being swallowed by a whale.
But not in a mean, murdery way.
More like a “Go sit in the belly of the whale and think about your actions,” way.
Now that your hour is almost up, it’s time to head back.
Left, right, left, right…
Paddling against the current, your arms will be aching, and you don’t seem to be getting anywhere..
And that’s when you’ll see it.
On the horizon, a whale will launch his entire body out of the water, momentarily suspended in air.
“BREECH!” You’ll both shriek, gazing in awe and smiling at one another.
“I’m sorry I wished for a whale to swallow you whole,” you’ll say to one another.
Left, right, left, right…
A few minutes later, the instructor will signal you in.
Unfortunately, one of you will paddle right when it should be left.
“It’s always left, right, left!”
“Why can’t it be right, left, right?”
A mutiny will ensue, the kayak will tilt sideways, and a wave will capsize the vessel.
Soaking wet, and dragging the kayak to shore, you swear you’ll never do that again!
But kayaking is like childbirth. The painful memory will fade and somehow you’ll convince yourself it wasn’t that bad.
Which is why this past February you could find Steve and I, once again, heading over to the kayak rentals.
However, we’re not complete imbeciles.
When the instructor asked, “Single or Double?”
We both answered…
“Single!”
Reading this story was a great way to start my morning. So funny! I think all married couples can relate to this. I sooooooooo appreciate your humor January! Can’t wait for the next story.
Really good! Love it!!
Soooooo good! Giggled all the way through. Nothing better than when both your lives AND your oars are in sync! The January/Steve stories are right up there with the Nina/Alvin stories. Great fodder 🙂
😂😂😂
My favorite part is the “not in a mean, murdery way” but more like a “go sit in the belly of the whale and think about your actions” (which I totally agree with!). 😂😂😂
So funny! Just a few days ago I was speaking to my coworker and said, don’t go kayaking with your hubby… unless you want a big argument that is!!
So funny! I can totally relate. Thanks for the laughs
It’s like you were there next to us!!! BTW – when a friend recommends buying a double kayak for some fun, couple time… well, you know the answer 😜
Another great story. It’s like I was there, only it was a river, in a rubber raft. 🤣 Goodtimes.
Great story and hilarious! Can totally relate:)
Loved this😂😂😂
So funny and true! I love the picture!
Absolutely love this. I am still picturing the whale breaching. Would have loved to kayaking with you!
Oh my gosh…this is so good! I’m in a Dr.’s waiting room right now and I was cracking up behind my mask. We’ve had quite a few very similar kayaking experiences. Ours have included being tossed into rapids and floating down the river minus the kayak. This story makes it evident that kayaking should be at the top of the “Marital Don’ts” List. Thanks, January.
LOL!! A single kayak is perfect! Last time we went kayaking was with another couple. We split the couples up. No arguing, just LOTS of laughing and storytelling after. Problem solved. 😉