The Midnight Organizer

Dear Midnight Organizer,

I didn’t catch your name or see your face (those darn hoodies!), but I saw that you had stopped by at 4:15 this morning.

The early bird catches the worm!

My day started a little later, and it wasn’t until I got into my car at 8:30, that I realized I had a surprise visitor. My first clue was that the center console was empty.

I’ve been meaning to clean that out for ages, so thank you!

Lidless chapsticks, dry cleaning receipts from the early 2000s, and one-armed reading glasses, were no longer cluttering up the console.

Marie Kondo, was that you?

But then I noticed the aforementioned items strewn across my passenger seat and I knew it couldn’t have been Marie. 

That woman is a tidy Marine.

No mess left behind.

Also, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but if I wanted shoddy work, I would have done it myself.

As I began to look around, I realized that my glove compartment had also been left open and a pile of ancient business cards were dumped on the floor.

Hallelujah! Now, I can call Bob for all my laminating needs!

My teeny tiny change compartment, just above the parking brake, was also ajar.

And that’s when…

Ding, Ding, Ding!

The bulbs in my head turned on. 

You’re not a midnight organizer!

You’re a robber!

And you’ve come to pillage my 2013 Mazda Civic, in hopes of finding riches.

Well, it’s a 2013 Mazda Civic, so joke’s on you, Buddy.

But before I condemn you for your thievery, I must also compliment you.

We live on a flag lot, on a steep hill.

It’s a haul to get to our house.

In fact, we haven’t had a Trick or Treater in 10 years because kids these days are too damn lazy to walk all the way up our driveway.

But not you.

I bet you’d walk uphill both ways to rob me.

I admire that.

I also admire that you seem to enjoy good literature, based on the fact that all of my books were scattered in the back seat.

It looks like you found a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Too Funny! Did you read my stories? If you liked them, you should follow my blog. Tell all your robber friends to follow it, too. 

I’m shocked you didn’t steal my collection of Mad Libs.

That stuff is gold, baby, gold!

Speaking of good books, thanks for throwing my Bible on the floor.

Sloppy AND Blasphemous!

I hope you at least took a look at it, and I don’t want to be all Church Lady, but you may want to check out that Eighth Commandment. 

After examining the entire car, it appeared that you didn’t take anything.

Look who’s too good for Kohl’s coupons.

But just when I had checked every nook and cranny, it finally dawned on me what you did take…

I opened the glasses compartment above the rear view mirror and sure enough…

Empty!

Zilch!

You cleaned me out!

I don’t recall how much money I had stashed there, but it may have been upwards of $3.00.

I guess I can kiss that ½ of a latte goodbye.

Oh, well, I should have known better.

Everyone’s been posting about you on NoseyNeighbor.com.

I mean, you’re no coyote (read: https://staging.midlifebloomer.com/new-coyotes-on-the-block/), but still, people are talking.

Apparently, last night you traveled from our neighborhood all the way to the country club.

Way to get your steps in!

Anyway, thanks again for “organizing” my car.

FYI, you left your hoodie* in the back seat.

I bet you wish you had those Kohl’s coupons now. 

* I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but for summertime car theft, may I suggest something more lightweight.