New Coyotes On The Block

For the past month, hungry coyotes have infested our quiet suburban neighborhood.

Thinking about going for a leisurely walk?

I’d suggest you bring your running shoes.

And a slower friend.

At first, neighbors reported just one coyote.

Then two, and soon three, and now, allegedly there’s a pack.

Ravenous and menacing, they roam the neighborhoods.

Like teenagers.

(But not as frightening.)

Word on the street is that the coyotes venture out in the early evening to look for food.

Specifically, between 5 and 7 PM.

Also known as “Happy Hour.”

My mom and I encountered one a few blocks from my home.

We had just turned onto Shady Point Lane, and there he was.

About 100 yards away, poised in the middle of the sidewalk.

We stopped, frozen.

He moved towards us, sizing us up.

But not in a “Howdy Neighbor,” way.

More like a “You Look Delicious” way.

He picked up his pace.

“Run!” I yelled to my mom as I sprinted away, leaving her behind.

Hey, I never claimed to be a Marine.

(No Mom Left Behind)

Fortunately, two blocks away, she caught up with me.

That’s when we ran into Marge, another neighbor.

Marge knew all about the coyotes. 

“You know they’re living in a house on Willowbrook Lane,” she said.

“IN the house?” I confirmed.

She nodded. 

“They moved in about a month ago,” she added.

That was just plain ridiculous.

No coyote was going to buy right now.

I mean, with interest rates so high.

Later, we met up with another neighbor, Jill, who set us straight.

“They don’t live IN the house,” Jill corrected. “They live BEHIND the house.”

In, Behind…

Prepositions Matter, Marge.

But I should have known all along, coyotes don’t live in houses.

They’re not bears.

Or pigs.

“When you say behind, do you mean in the backyard?” I asked.

Jill nodded. 

“And does a family live IN the house?” I asked.

Jill nodded again.

“A family of humans?”

“Yep.”

“So humans inside, coyotes outside,” I said, summing up the situation. 

Now, you’re probably thinking, this poor family, what if they have dogs or small children?

I’m thinking, what’s the situation for pool parties?

Are the coyotes inviting the humans, or are they being all exclusive?

Because if the humans have to just watch the coyotes play Marco Polo, that’s gotta hurt.

Last week, my mom and I ran into the coyote again.

This time, he didn’t seem the least bit interested in eating us.

Instead, he just nodded politely as we passed each other on the street.

I think he’s starting to understand…

Neighbors don’t eat neighbors.

However, they might not be our neighbors for long.

According to the coyote rumor mill, some people are plotting to get rid of the coyotes.

(That doesn’t seem very neighborly.)

One mom suggested that we should start “Hazing” the coyotes.

She had written on Facebook, “If you want to get rid of them, you need to haze them!”

Do coyotes want to be in a fraternity?

But then someone else commented that we shouldn’t haze the coyotes around their pups.

That made sense.

You don’t bring your kid to a Frat party.

Another mom reminded us that the coyotes were only interested in bunnies and squirrels.

Hello, what about roadrunners!

(BEEP, BEEP)

She also added that coyotes aren’t really dangerous.

Except when they’re blowing things up.

Sheesh.

It’s like these moms had never even heard of Wile E.

But the latest scuttlebutt is that a new coyote family moved in last week.

Also, known as the New Coyotes on the Block.

(I wonder if they can sing.)

Yesterday, I saw the OG Coyotes and The New Coyotes hanging out at Peach Hill Park.

They were all howling at the moon.

So cliché.

Also, it was after 9 PM, so pipe down.

I think maybe they were planning something.

Perhaps a 4th of July Party?

If so, I hope I get an invite.

You know they’ll have great fireworks.