Jazz Hands

My friend Mary’s brother, Phil, recently upgraded his iPhone 4 to an iPhone 6.

This guy lives large.

With the upgrade came a nifty little function that his old phone didn’t include…

Emojis!

Phil was over the moon!

Seriously, it was love at first emoji.

Every text was a string of hearts, happy faces, assorted food items (Sometimes Phil gets hungry) and of course, a plethora of thumbs up! (Phil’s cup is half full!)

Except when he has a tough Wordle round, then it will be three crying faces, followed by 6 thumbs down.

But of all the emojis, there was one that Phil adored above all the rest…

Jazz hands!

While texting with a friend who works for the FBI…

(Phil would love to tell you what they discussed, but then he’d have to kill you.)

He concluded their conversation with a stream of jazz hands.

FBI guy responded, “Dude, I have a wife.”

Phil replied, “Me too! Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands…”

Unfazed, he continued to throw out jazz hands to everyone and their brother, and most recently, a guy on Craigslist, whom Phil had contacted about a tractor clutch.

After a few exchanges, Craigslist guy had agreed to sell him the clutch for $250.

A gently-used clutch for $250, are you kidding me?

(That’s Phil talking. Do I look like I know anything about clutches? Or tractors?)

Phil wrapped up their conversation with a family of jazz hands.

He never heard from him again.

“Why would he just blow me off?” Phil asked his sister. 

Mary scrolled through his phone until she found the messages between Phil and Craigslist guy.

Her eyes grew wide.

“Um, maybe because you’re sending a strange man hug emojis,” Mary said.

Phil took the phone back. “Those aren’t hugs, those are jazz hands.”

“No, Phil, those are hugs,” Mary said, reading Phil’s text aloud. “That’s a nice looking clutch you’ve got… HUG! HUG! HUG!”

Phil narrowed his eyes. “Are you joking?”
Does Mary look like she jokes about jazz hands?

Phil grabbed the phone and began a deep dive.

“Who else?” Mary asked.

“Pretty much all my co-workers,” Phil admitted.

Scroll, scroll, scroll.

“And my boss.”

Scroll, scroll, scroll.

“And the lady janitor at work,” he said. “Wow, I sent her a lot of hugs.”

Phil scratched his head. “Is that why we had that sexual harassment training last week?”

He kept scrolling, shaking his head at the carnage.

“Jerry, my mechanic, who’s been too “busy” (air quotes) to work on my truck lately.”

Mary raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, no.” Phil’s eyes got big. “My proctologist.”

Yikes.

“He sent a hug back,” Phil said.

Maybe cancel that appointment.

Phil took a seat.

His emoji world was crashing down on him.

“I’ve sent out a lot of hugs,” he confessed.

Mary patted his shoulder. “I’m sure some people appreciated the hugs.”

“Not strangers on Craigslist,” Phil said.

Well, some strangers on Craigslist.

Mary shook her head in confusion. “But why did you send out jazz hands in the first place, especially to the Craigslist guy?” 

“I was excited about the great deal on the clutch,” Phil said. “And when you’re excited you do jazz hands.” He then proceeded to pantomime some pretty spot-on jazz hands.

“I hate to tell you this,” Mary said, taking a seat next to him, “but I don’t think there’s even a jazz hands emoji.”

Phil’s eyes grew wide.

And a little teary.

“Not even on the new iPhones, like the 7 or the 8?” 

Mary shook her head.

Phil sighed.

He couldn’t believe it.

An emoji world without jazz hands?

Sad face, sad face, sad face.

Author’s Note: Apparently, there is a jazz hands emoji, and if I had done even an iota of research, I would have known this.