Sometimes I like to reflect on the things that frighten me.
I’m not talking about your typical fears like snakes or planes or public speaking. (For the record, I’ll take snakes and planes over public speaking.)
I’m talking about irrational fears, the ones that will never ever happen, and it’s ridiculous to even spend time worrying about them.
Here are my top 3…
Alligators: This is why I’ll never live in Florida. These man-eating monsters are everywhere, slithering in swamps, sunning themselves in backyards, taking a stroll through the neighborhood. And no one seems concerned.
My friend, who lives in Florida, told me there’s an alligator that hangs out in the drainage ditch across from her house. Seeing the look on my face, she laughed. “He’s fine. We call him Bob.”
As if giving him a name means he won’t swallow you whole.
Uh, you know who else had a name?
A little fish named JAWS!
When I told my husband, Steve, about this, he too scoffed and told me how last time he was golfing in Tampa, there was an alligator that liked to hang out on the eighth hole.
“Weren’t you terrified?” I asked.
“Nah,” he replied. “If you don’t bother them, they don’t bother you.”
Do we have this in writing?
Also, alligators can run 20 mph.
Can YOU run 20 mph, Steve?!
Another friend pointed out that I swim in the ocean, where there’s sharks. “That’s just as dangerous,” she said.
Oh, really. Because, when I get out of the water, I’m pretty sure that Great White is not going to follow me to my towel to finish me off.
Sharks have boundaries.
Alligators are vicious reptilian triathletes that will rip off your limbs in the water and then chase you onto land to devour the rest of you.
And then go for a bike ride.
“Relax,” Steve said. “We live in California.”
But what if the alligators eventually decide they’re sick of the humidity?
Or they want to check out new golf courses?
Or they want to eat more than just retired people?
You see why I’m concerned.
Check out: Irrational Fears: Part 2 “Geometry” coming out tomorrow
January, here is another example as to why you are my middle-aged sister soulmate! My alligator phobia is quite well known. I even emailed House Hunters International to point out my SHOCK and DISBELIEF that the sunny, smiling estate agent in Australia was showing a family a home on the water where there were HUGE signs posted BEWARE of crocs! She even pointed out the water toys for the kids came with the house! Then I emailed House Hunters in regards to their Florida episode with the canal and alligators lurking in the backyard of the home as the perky realtor suggested they put a swing set up for the kids. Yes, the threat is real!
Yes you are! And thank you for sharing my phobia. I didn’t even mention Crocs because obviously any sane person should be terrified to their core of these monsters. Ha ha…”water toys!” I don’t want to watch the follow episode to these shows. It can’t be good.
You have a point, January. Alligators might decide to head west, but I’m personally not too concerned, as I live in the Inland Empire. I really don’t think they’d like the desert!
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. #LaterAlligator
Well, I wasn’t freaked out by alligators . . . until now. Thanks a lot. I do have to respect them as triathletes, though. Best line: “And then go for a bike ride.” I was wondering how you were going to work that in. Lol.
Sounds rational to me 😉 Can’t wait for part 2!!!
Thanks again Jan, for putting a smile on my face this morning! Not only was this funny, but very informative as well:)
I 100% support you with fear #1!
Not so sure about geometry — so can’t wait to read it!
Well I may never see Florida now…the fear! Haahaa! Looking forward to part 2!
Completely agree…. My in-laws live in Florida and they kayak all the time in water outside their home where vicious flesh-eating alligators are just lurking beneath the surface. We always ask if it freaks them out and NO ONE IS CONCERNED 😱 people are crazy… Or maybe just much braver than I am.. Thanks for justifying my fear as well 😂👍
Well, it’s a good thing I have no desire to go to Florida! Thanks for the laugh, January. 🙂
I’m with you! No Alligators, for the record no sharks as well. Happily living about as far as you can get from Florida and there people chomping, humidity loving gators.