Have I Taught You Nothing?

In my 54 years, I thought I had garnered a few pearls of wisdom.

Turns out my pearls of wisdom were actually nuggets of nonsense.

Especially when it came to raising children.

Thankfully, my oldest daughter, Quincey, set me straight.

It started the first time I changed my granddaughter, Holland.* I had just pulled out the powder when Quincey flew across the room.

“NOOOOOOO!” She grabbed the container from my hands. “You can’t use that!”

This was confusing, because well… it was BABY powder. 

She retrieved a box of cornstarch from her diaper bag. “Cornstarch is better because it doesn’t have talc.”

“Is talc bad?”

Deep sighs.

How poor Quincey had raised such an ignorant and misguided mother was beyond me.

I soon learned all about the evils of talc. Not to mention the wipes I was using might as well have been soaked in cyanide. “I’ll send you a list of all-natural, non-toxic baby products,” she said.

I know what I’m reading tonight.

Luckily, I recognized the error of my ways and purchased the approved baby items. 

All was going well until…

I ordered Holland onesies that were not…

ORGANIC!

“But they have adorable duckies on them,” I explained.

Quincey shook her head. “Some of these brands have dangerous chemicals in them.”

I didn’t order the ones made of asbestos. 

Fortunately, after some research I purchased more acceptable material. I’m proud to say Holland’s clothes are made exclusively of organic sheep and cloud wisps.

However, it’s not just diaper products and clothing that pose a threat. Have you heard about the latest toxic toy?

The Exersaucer!

Twenty-five years ago, it was a real crowd pleaser. Basically, a swivel desk/lunch counter for babies. My girls spent a fair amount of time** in that bad boy. It was a multi-tasking dream for both of us.

I’ve since been informed that babies should spend no more than 15 minutes (surely, that’s a misprint) a day in it. 

Also, it is recommended that while in the Exersaucer, babies not stand flat-footed. 

Or on their toes. 

Or heels.

By process of elimination, we’ve placed Holland in a handstand position, and she seems to love it! 

Relax. 

It’s only 15 minutes.

But of all the atrocities I’ve committed in my first 6 months as a Grandma, my lax view on television is by far the most egregious.  

Apparently,  the TV may have been on a couple times when Holland was over.

“It’s not good for babies to watch TV before age 2,” Quincey said as she picked up Holland. “She’s too young.”

Too young to watch The Bachelor?

Shouldn’t she learn about true love from a young age?

What about the third season of Friends. How is she supposed to decide if Ross and Rachel were truly on a break?

And please don’t deny her Schitt’s Creek. Who else, besides Moira, can teach her the correct pronunciation of “baby.”

Quincey put Holland in her highchair. She immediately started hollering and banging her teeny tiny spoon on her tray.

“She’s just hungry,” Quincey said.

Or she’s upset that she won’t be watching the Bachelor Finale.

But I didn’t say anything, because…

What do I know?

*She has the face of an angel and the thighs of a sumo wrestler. She’s perfect.

**Days