Have you ever been to a taping of The Price is Right? You show up in some ridiculous costume, jumping and screaming like a lunatic.
Pick me, pick me, pick me!
They don’t.
But the next week, when you arrive at jury duty, dressed in respectable attire, sitting silently, and not even jumping a little, they do call your name.
“January Gordon, come on down! You’re the next prospective juror!”
Now this doesn’t mean you’re on the jury. It just means that you and 70 other schmucks will have the opportunity to audition to be a juror. (Think American Idol without the fame, fortune and talent.)
But here’s the good news. Although being randomly selected to the jury pool was out of your control, getting selected (or rejected) for the actual jury is completely within your power.
Here’s a few tips to help you tank your jury selection audition, and make such an impression that they take you out of the jury pool permanently.
Once in the courtroom, one of the first things the judge will do is list the names of the attorneys, defendant and key witnesses. He will ask all prospective jurors, “Does anybody know any of these individuals?”
And your answer will be, “Yes!”
Now don’t go crazy. It’s implausible that you know ALL of them.
Just pick one.
Should you raise your hand and state, “Judge, I’m familiar with prosecuting attorney Robert Gonzales.”
Are you acquaintances or life-long best friends?
That’s what I thought.
“Bobby G!” You call out as you run to him. And when I say run, really run, like you’re rushing a stage. You’re that excited to see him. Then give him a bear hug. Really linger on that embrace. Let the judge know, this is your guy. Don’t be afraid to throw his name in a song, “Bobby-Fo-Fobby-Fee-Fi-Fo-Fobby, Bobby!” A playful tickle isn’t a bad idea. Finish it up with a secret handshake. “Bobby and I made that up in the 3rd grade,” you tell the judge.
Another surefire way for an early dismissal is to voice your opinions about the jury process and the defendant. Remarks like, “Yep, that’s definitely the guy!” and “Burden of proof seems like A LOT of work,” go a long way. Don’t forget to ask, “When do I get to choose the punishment?” If you’re uncomfortable being vocal, don’t fret. Mouthing such phrases as, “I hate you,” to the defendant and/or his attorney does wonders. Also, don’t underestimate the power of verbal cues. A simple disapproving shake of the head, a thumbs-down, or pantomiming the electric chair will let everybody know where you stand.
So what happens if instead of getting cut, you get a call back and you find yourself being considered for the part of Juror #2? The judge swears you in and you’re now required to answer the following questions: “What is your name?” “Where do you live?” “What is your occupation?”
“Well, my name is (insert name), but I really wished my parents would have named me Karen, Brittany, Summer, Jenna, Kristi (with a K), Robyn, Jessica…”
Apparently, you’ve never been happy with your given name. There’s some deep-seated resentment that’s been festering. Feel free to treat the courtroom like your personal therapy session.
“Where do you live?”
Anybody can just respond with a city, but you have layers.
“I live in the present. I mean, shouldn’t that be our goal? What are we all here for?” Don’t be afraid to start quoting philosophers. “I only know one thing and that is I know nothing.” And “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.” But don’t be silent, keep spewing pearls of wisdom: Socrates, Plato, John Locke, Gandhi, God. This is where you go on a religious rant. It’s also a perfect segue into the next question.
“What is your occupation?”
“I guess I’d be considered an independent contractor. I just started my own cult.”
Now that you’ve got everyone’s attention, let them know this is the best cult ever! It’s not like one of those doomsday cults. Yours is more a “glass is half full” cult. Invite everybody to join, the judge, the attorneys, the other jurors. Don’t forget the bailiff.
Next, pass out the flyers and introduce your snakes.
“The court would like to excuse juror #2…”Well done.