This past week, I had a dentist appointment, a gynecological exam, and today, a mammogram. I don’t need to tell you about the dentist since I’ve already written about that (See: Perfectly Respectable Chompers). In a nutshell, I made promises I couldn’t keep (flossing) and then Dr. B punished me with scary tools. The gynecological […]
I first heard about this phenomenon from Bill*, the Target manager in Austin, Texas. “Every night, thousands of them fly in formation at sunset,” he said. “YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!” On Sunday night, my husband, Steve, and my daughter Parker and I arrived just after 7:00 to SEE THE BATS! As instructed, we found
Our whole family is big on reviews. My daughter Quincey doesn’t so much as buy a toothbrush without making sure it has five stars. My husband, Steve, doesn’t frequent a restaurant unless it’s Yelp approved. I, on the other hand, rely on my gut. While researching a swim instructor for my 10-month-old granddaughter, Holland, my
Last month, while attempting to locate the big broom in the far corner of the garage, I found myself hurdling over a stack of cardboard boxes, climbing over a dilapidated bookshelf and lunging across Parker’s gymnastic beam to retrieve it. It’s fun playing Ninja Warrior in your own garage. But when I tripped over a
The Return of the Maximalist: Garage Edition Read More »
When I first walked into the building, ominous music played as if I were entering a horror film. Like Clarice, I could hear the lambs screaming. BAAAAHH! Wait, no, that was me. “Can I help you?” Brittany, the sales clerk, asked. It would help if I were 30 years younger and 10 pounds lighter, but
A million years ago, when we were in our 30s, my girlfriends and I started going on Girls’ Weekends. It didn’t matter where we went. The point was we were gone. A weekend away from toddlers, housework, and husbands. Three friends on an adventure. Like Thelma and Louise and Louise. But with a happier ending.
Thelma and Louise and Louise Read More »
My husband, Steve, used to utter his famous catchphrase, “Have you thought of dinner?” about 30 times a day. The first few times he’d ask, I’d nod with a faraway look in my eyes, as if gourmet meals were dancing in my head. By the 20th time, I wasn’t nodding anymore and the look was
In my 54 years, I thought I had garnered a few pearls of wisdom. Turns out my pearls of wisdom were actually nuggets of nonsense. Especially when it came to raising children. Thankfully, my oldest daughter, Quincey, set me straight. It started the first time I changed my granddaughter, Holland.* I had just pulled out
Have I Taught You Nothing? Read More »
Normally, I enjoy being frightened. Scary movies, haunted houses, my bathroom scale. But these past two months have dealt me enough horror to last a lifetime. The trauma began on December 19th. My husband’s e-bike was charging in the garage when the battery suddenly combusted.* Smelling smoke, we raced to the garage and discovered a
A Series of Unfortunate Events Read More »
Back in March, I led a workshop entitled Seminar for Sociopaths. It was wildly popular. Two out of the three participants stayed until the very end. I taught the importance of reuniting Tupperware containers with their significant lids. Nine months later, it was time for a new seminar except this time my daughter Parker would