When I first walked into the building, ominous music played as if I were entering a horror film. Like Clarice, I could hear the lambs screaming. BAAAAHH! Wait, no, that was me. “Can I help you?” Brittany, the sales clerk, asked. It would help if I were 30 years younger and 10 pounds lighter, but […]
A million years ago, when we were in our 30s, my girlfriends and I started going on Girls’ Weekends. It didn’t matter where we went. The point was we were gone. A weekend away from toddlers, housework, and husbands. Three friends on an adventure. Like Thelma and Louise and Louise. But with a happier ending.
Thelma and Louise and Louise Read More »
My husband, Steve, used to utter his famous catchphrase, “Have you thought of dinner?” about 30 times a day. The first few times he’d ask, I’d nod with a faraway look in my eyes, as if gourmet meals were dancing in my head. By the 20th time, I wasn’t nodding anymore and the look was
In my 54 years, I thought I had garnered a few pearls of wisdom. Turns out my pearls of wisdom were actually nuggets of nonsense. Especially when it came to raising children. Thankfully, my oldest daughter, Quincey, set me straight. It started the first time I changed my granddaughter, Holland.* I had just pulled out
Have I Taught You Nothing? Read More »
Normally, I enjoy being frightened. Scary movies, haunted houses, my bathroom scale. But these past two months have dealt me enough horror to last a lifetime. The trauma began on December 19th. My husband’s e-bike was charging in the garage when the battery suddenly combusted.* Smelling smoke, we raced to the garage and discovered a
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Back in March, I led a workshop entitled Seminar for Sociopaths. It was wildly popular. Two out of the three participants stayed until the very end. I taught the importance of reuniting Tupperware containers with their significant lids. Nine months later, it was time for a new seminar except this time my daughter Parker would
Today I made healthy vegetarian soup. I poured low-sodium vegetable broth into my crockpot. Next, I chopped kale, the most super of all super foods. I cut baby carrots into tiny pieces. (Would that make them preemie carrots?) Zucchini and onions were sliced and diced. They joined their fellow veggies in this bounty of healthy
“My nemesis is your nemesis” has been an unwritten code since the dawn of time. My nemesis began tormenting me in early childhood and stayed with me well into high school. Fortunately, my friends equally despised this bully and stood with me in solidarity. My mom tried to convince me to give my nemesis a
She was delivered on August 24th, in the middle of our garage. Slim, dark, about 135 pounds. “She’s beautiful,” my husband Steve said, sniffling. “I can’t believe she’s ours,” I sighed. And just like that, we were the proud parents of a new Peloton. I entered my info on the bicycle’s computer screen, along with
I have a lot of obsessions: Running, Wine, Running with Wine, Succulents, The Bachelor (don’t judge me), and my most recent… WWF. No, not the World Wrestling Federation. But thank you for thinking I could compete at that level. WWF is Words With Friends. Harmless, right? Harmless like heroin. I blame my friend, Linda, who
Are You Chitin Me? Read More »