Am I The Grinch?

This past week, I watched The Grinch with my granddaughter, Holland.

Although Holland is barely 16 months, my feeling is you’re never too young to appreciate the classics.

(Tomorrow: Christmas Vacation. Holland is going to love Cousin Eddie!)

We cozied up under the blankets and started to watch.

Holland sat mesmerized for a few minutes.

But when the Grinch growled, “I must stop Christmas from coming!” Holland

scrunched her face.

I whispered to her, “Just wait ‘til his heart grows three sizes.”

Holland looked at me, and then did something I was not prepared for.

She pointed to the TV. “Ma, Ma, Ma!”

(That’s what she calls me.)

Did she think I was the Grinch?

She toddled across the room, close to the screen. “Ma, Ma, Ma!”

I shook my head. “No, silly, Ma is not the Grinch.”

Holland kept pointing to the Grinch, who smiled a sinister smile, revealing teeth in need of serious dental work.

Hey, Ma may not floss, but Ma has good teeth.

I shook my head, but Holland had made up her mind.

“Ma, Ma, Ma!” she bellowed.

Naptime.

While Holland slept, I replayed the Grinch, determined to discover why Holland thought I was the Grinch.

Now, let the records show, I’m not green, my heart is regular size,

and I’m not crafty. 

But, after analyzing this animated classic, I realized The Grinch and I have more in common than I would have thought.

Here are some ways I may be mistaken for the Grinch:

• The Grinch is not thrilled with his neighbors’ constant singing. It’s early in the morning, he’s had a late night (hence, the red eyes), and he just wants some peace and quiet. I’m with you, Grinch.
• Now that he’s in his mid-fifties (like me!) he’s a little thick around the middle. We’re just not as young as we used to be, Grinch.
• He enjoys dressing up his dog. Sheesh, who doesn’t? My dog has been a bunny, a tiger and a fireman.
• The Grinch committed some light burglary, but feels bad about it. I, too, regret the Hostess Honey Bun I stole in 1982.
• He’s described as having “garlic in his soul.” I don’t know if my soul is actually lined with garlic, but I do eat a dangerous amount.
• The Grinch enjoys being pants-less. Hey, sometimes you just want to be comfortable.
• He lied to a child to get them to go to bed. (There may have been a few New Years’ Eves, where I changed the clocks, told our kids it was later than it was, and then sent them to bed. Technically, it was midnight somewhere.)
• The Grinch appears to have good upper body strength. (He can lift a whole sleigh over his head!) Although I don’t claim to have the strength of “10 Grinches, plus two,” I do hit the gym.
• He appreciates a good Roast Beast. (No vegetarians here, am I right, Grinch?)

And most importantly…

• We both recognize the true meaning of Christmas.

Merry Christmas from The Grinch!

Here’s an official quiz to see if you might be the Grinch:

• You’ve been known to utter the phrase, “Oh, the noise, noise, noise!”
• You know how to work a sewing machine.
• Your dog is better than you.
• You’ve driven a sled.
• You’ve driven a sled down Mt. Crumpit.
• At a certain point, you’ve had enough Christmas music.
• Your body is more apple-shaped than pear-shaped.
• You go to put on pants and then think, Why bother?
• You wish some of your neighbors would move.
• You’ve stolen and/or coveted your neighbor’s goods.
• You’ve pretended to be Santy Claus.
• You’ve sent a child back to bed with a pat on the head and/or a drink of water.
• You’re misunderstood.
• You have heart issues.
• You’ve had an epiphany that has resulted in holiday appreciation, community outreach and/or the carving of Roast Beast.

12- 15 points: You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch!!! (Congratulations! I don’t know if it’s your lack of pants or your enlarged heart, but you should buy a condo on Mount Crumpit because you’re going to fit right in.)

8-11 points: You’re Grinchesque. (Although not a full-fledged Grinch, you have potential. Maybe steal more cans of Who Hash? 

5-7 points: Who are you, Cindy Lou Who? Go eat your big strawberry and think about how you can do better.

0-4 points: STINK, STANK, STUNK.