All the Single Ladies

Part 1: MotherLover

Although I usually prefer comedy, sometimes I write about scary things like timeshare presentations* or my kitchen cupboards** or Sandy, the swim instructor.***

Recently, I learned about a scenario so frightening, I had to write about it.

Dating.

You’re probably thinking, what does this lady know about dating?

It’s true, the last time I was a single lady, I had big hair and bitchin’ leg warmers.

But even if I’m not in the singles scene, I know stuff.

Scary stuff.

For example, I recently heard about a friend’s 22- year-old daughter, who went on a date.

This Prince Charming suggested a boat ride.

A sunset cruise on a catamaran.

How romantic!

Except the catamaran was actually a paddle boat.

The kind where you have to keep pumping your legs to make it go, so it feels less “datey” and more “forced labory.”

But at least the harbor was beautiful.

Which is why halfway through the boat ride, the boy facetimed his mom.

Which meant he was too distracted to paddle, so the girl had to pump even harder until her legs cramped up.

“Look how beautiful the sunset is,” the boy said.

“It sure is,” his mom replied.

But that’s not even the frightening part.

The girl went out with this MotherLover AGAIN!

This time he took her to a Paint Night.

It was at a local brewery, where canvases and paint brushes were set up for the guests.

The two of them took a seat, and MotherLover said, “I have a surprise for you!”

And that’s when he introduced her to his mom.

The three of them spent several minutes chatting in a relaxed and Greek tragedy type of way.

Then the girl excused herself to go to the bathroom.

When she returned, Mom had taken her seat and MotherLover said, “You don’t mind sitting over there, do you?”

The girl was relocated to a lone spot in the far corner of the room.

Meanwhile, Mom and MotherLover painted and giggled and “oohed” and “awed” over each other’s pictures.

Occasionally, the boy waved to the girl.

But the girl didn’t notice because she was busy drawing a melancholy self-portrait, like many artists do.

The good news was she didn’t cut off her ear.

But if you think that was the end, you’re wrong!

There was a THIRD DATE!

It involved a nice dinner and wonderful conversation.

I heard it went really well.

The girl wasn’t invited.

* The Price of Paradise: Part 1

** The Maximalist

*** One ★ Swimming